The Best of Bash.org

<@timovgod> Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
<@timovgod> A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.
<@enaz> did your insurance cover it timovgod?
<@timovgod> My car insurance covered it, I said I had I broken tail light.

<@NiTro> i gonna go test for hiv
<@NiTro> bbl
<@Impolite> think positive

<@Skye_Alpha> Warning: This has caused an illegal operation and will shut down. This happened because you were about to save your work, and we can’t have that.

<@Eku{MY}> Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?

<@NES> what?
<@NES> the pope can’t have sex with ANYTHING?

<@kolby> you know those bathrooms at football stadiums where like a bunch of guys just stand next to each other and piss in em?
<@kolby> they had a smaller version of that in this restaraunt and I looked up while I was taking a piss and there was a mirror
<@kolby> I started messing with my hair and I pissed all over myself and everyone behind me had this horrified look
<@Scofco> hahaha, so you were pissing in the fucking sink?
<@kolby> huh?
<@kolby> …fuck

<@freshmint> How do you get a goth out of a tree?
<@freshmint> Cut the rope.

<@LeoGeo2> i’m gonna make my whole web-site outta HTML!

(bi0_away) PO Box 903
(bi0_away) Volcano
(bi0_away) HI,96785
(bi0_away) US
(bi0_away) HI
(bi0_away) lol
(bi0_away) a city called Hi
(bi0_away) “hi, welcome to hi”
(FenixTxD) Its hawaii
(FenixTxD) idiot.

<@ZS> Ouranophobia- Fear of heaven.
<@Kevyn> What’s scary about heaven?
<@Phantomlord> dude, christians hang out there.

<@pairo> you know you’re doomed when you have to whois your domain registrar ID to find out your own phone number

<@CheeseBro> what is another phrase for black and white?
<@ksennin> #000000 and #FFFFFF

<@Cotton Mouth> How do you describe the color blue to someone who is blind and has never seen a color before?
<@NickBlasta> 0 0 255

* twigvoy (voy@1Cust26.tnt1.weslaco.tx.da.uu.net) Quit (Quit: )
* LlNK is now known as HidingFromVoy
<@hidingfromvoy> shhhh
*twigvoy (voy@1Cust26.tnt1.weslaco.tx.da.uu.net) joined #fux0r
<@twigvoy> where’d llnk go?
<@hidingfromvoy> teehee

<@Spektor> A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’ with it.
<@Spektor> Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well that’s great, just great… some asshole’s got my pen.”
<@MikeYb0y> Not another life story Spektor!

<@rob`> where does an irish family go for vacation?
<@rob`> to a different bar

<@halo@home> i LOVE childrens books
<@halo@home> http://images.amazon.com/images/P/091629188X.01.LZZZZZZZ.gif
<@Ronak> i never saw breasts that looked like peppermints before…
<@halo@home> WTF are they trying to teach kids?!!!
<@Para@Work> “Bobby and his brother play ‘differently’” by Genichiro Yagyu
<@halo@home> “The Benefits Of Being A Boy-Scout Den Leader” by Genichiro Yagyu
<@Ronak> ‘Take candy from strangers’ by Genichiro Yagyu
<@halo@home> “It only hurts the first 3 times” by Genichiro Yagyu
<@Ronak> ’slamming the ham’ by Genichiro Yagyu
<@chawk> “That’s not milk” by Genichiro Yagyu
<@Ronak> ‘Playing hide the salami, for beginners’ by Genichiro Yagyu
<@Para@Work> “THE PHYSICS OF QUANTUM-SPACE TIME CONTINUUM WITH APPLICATIONS TO BLACK HOLES AND OTHER SPACIAL ANOMOLIES” by Genichiro Yagyu
<@Ronak> ‘wiping your ass for beginners’ by Genichiro Yagyu
<@Chro> “Splash Splash Rub a Dub Dub. SUPRISE!” a book for all friends by Genichrio Yagyu
<@chawk> LOL Chro
<@halo@home> DUDE I AM SO FUCKING GLAD I AM NOT A KID RIGHT NOW

<@Ebony> Did anyone else realize that the media-dubbed “The War Against Terrorism” comes out as “TWAT”?

<@IndianElvis>: I AM NOT TALKING LOUD I AM JUST USED TO THIS , I AM A COBOL PROGRAMMER

<@cheerio> i like computers better than chicks cuz they will willingly accept my 3.5″ floppy

<@Jade> they should make a chinese scrabble
<@Jade> you have 40000 tokens and they all spell words

<@FaNtAcIgYrL> ello
<@jeff> Do you realise that you have spelt both the words “fantasy” and “girl” incorrectly ? By doing this, are you displaying a vain attempt at what some may refer to as “coolness” ? Or is it that you can not spell ? If the former, I suggest you rethink your stance on social status and its implications. The later, perhaps you should start attending school.

<@drunkers> u arab?
<@Zelbinian> Nope.
<@drunkers> good
<@Zelbinian> Irish, French, and English.
<@drunkers> geez
<@drunkers> u moms a whore

<@EazyCheez> I know this girl who is really hot and sweet, a Big Beautiful Woman… she makes my Captain stand at attention
<@sqweak> hollywood lied
<@sqweak> big is not beautiful
<@EazyCheez> she’s 5′2 and 305 or something, but I don’t care… woo hoo she’s wild!
<@TreeSquid> EazyCheez: HOLY FUCK
<@sqweak> DEAR GOD MAN
<@sqweak> that’s a fucking keg on legs!
<@TreeSquid> that is disgusting, and you are a crazy piece of shit
<@antivert> hungry hungry hippos!
<@TreeSquid> don’t ever talk to me again
<@TreeSquid> that’s just plain nasty
<@sqweak> how the fuck do you squeeze 300 lbs into 5′2
<@sqweak> thats like, 5 lbs an INCH!

<@Kermee> SELECT * FROM {[chicks]} WHERE {[bust_size]} > 32C AND NOT {[is_fat_chick]} AND {[looks]} = Hot! AND NOT {([is_psych_student]} OR {[is_law-student]} OR {[is_commerce_student])} AND {[will_swallow]} = True AND {[has_own_cash]}
<@Astatine> oh, good one
<@Astatine> I think we’ve just made a SQL statement for the perfect woman
<@Kermee> now if only there where such a table..

<@ry0suke_> Select [128kbps 44100Hz 02:32min] Mary-kate & Ashley Olsen & Fri – Hugged by you
<@ry0suke_> THIS SONG REMINDS ME OF YOU GODEDRP
<@godedrp>
<@ry0suke_> Select [128kbps 44100Hz 01:02min] Anal Cunt – Your kid commited suicide because you suck
<@ry0suke_> SO DOES THIS ONE STRANGELY

<@shigelojoe>Y’know, the NAACP is always complaining about how black unemployment is up half the time
<@shigelojoe>but if you think about it, the last time there were no unemployed black people in America, they didn’t have benefits to go with it
<@shigelojoe>like freedom, for instance

(Bass_EXE): reminds me of this one time.. this girl said ‘HA! and what would you guys do without us women?!’ I just replied ‘domesticate another animal.’

<@arp> Importance: Normal
<@arp> INCREASE YOUR PENIS SIZE BY 1/4 INCH IN ONE WEEK!
<@arp> Guaranteed!!!!!!
<@arp> YAY!
<@argoth> thanks for sharing
<@j0ker> hell I can do that in a few seconds

<@KevM> quit the farcical shenanigans you duncical misrepresentation of a homo sapien
<@andycode> I find your misanthropic antics most ironic in their malevolent disposition.
<@andycode> Moreover, the mere implications of your pathetic facade is illigitimate in its duplicitious atrocity.
<@KevM> your virulent discourse is quite misguided in it’s underhanded attempts to slight me
<@Khross> And you’re fat.

<@NeoPhoenixTE> I see mispelling and faggotry go hand in hnad
<@NeoPhoenixTE> er
<@NeoPhoenixTE> hand
<@NeoPhoenixTE> HAND
<@NeoPhoenixTE> .. fuck

* Valvados pulls out a random Indiana joke
<@Valvados> HEY
<@Valvados> Why doesn’t Kentucky slide into Tennessee?
<@Valvados> BECAUSE INDIANA SUCKS

<@Hawkeye> Spiderman reminds me of adolesence. One day a teenage guy wakes up with muscles, hair in new places and the ability to spray white sticky goo around the house.

<@AlpViper> apparantly my motherboard temp is 72 degrees
<@AlpViper> is that bad
<@Nom> farenheight or celcius ?
<@Nom> if its celcius then yes, its bad
<@AlpViper> oh dear

<@maff> i know how to curb your childs videogame addiction
<@maff> buy them a mac

<@My`Albanian`Ass> dude, a fat chick from mcdonals brought me my food and she said ’sorry for the wait’ and i said ‘don’t worry you’ll lose it’ and she gave me a smirk :/

<@Alipha> ..can you fax me some paper for my printer?

<@Yusaku> “God dammit mom, why the fuck did you buy me an xbox?” “What, how can you tell?” “Well, that present under the Christmas tree is either a coffee table, or an xbox…I’m hoping it’s a coffee table.”

<@Spyro> Dude..
<@Spyro> The other day, I was smoking some weed and got into the car to go and drop my sister off to the bus stop. I thought some prick stole my steering wheel….
<@Spyro> But I was in the backseat

<@cinnabar> tv rots the mind, destroys the imagination, promotes obsesity, and encourages commercialism.
<@jazzstepa> its the american way

<@by> Is there anyway I can tell the world I’m an idiot?
<@Seven7> Of course, just type your name, where you live and your confession
<@by> Kk
<@by> I am Mark Duval of Belgium, and I am an idiot
<@by> ?
<@by> Now what?
<@Seven7> Don’t worry. It’s done

<@Mohjo> your puny sacks cannot hold me
<@Mohjo> … that made me sound like an overly large testicle

(mike): HEH, THIs Is AMuSINg
(mike): I Got a WiNAMP pLUgiN THAt BLInKS THE KEYboARD ledS tO THE MUSIc
(mike): BUT IT acTUALLY turNs THe CAPsLOcK On AND oFF iNSTEad OF JuST the
LIGHt

<@JerryBeep> There are two kinds of jokes in the world: Jokes that people respond to by saying “lol” and funny jokes.
<@melipompous> lol
<@JerryBeep> You bastard.

<@WillaCuz> shervin did u say u had a woman?
<@shervin> WillaCuz: yeah but its losing pressure, i think it has a hole or something

Hambone on #ramen #gaydads4sons #noodles
<@blazemore> ash
<@blazemore> get out of that gay channel, now
*** Hambone (shazam@24.gate3.yokota.attmil.ne.jp) has left #ramen

<@RevSlidey> a baby seal walks into a club

[01:03am] EctE last night
[01:03am] EctE my girlfriend walks out of the room to goto the bathroom
[01:03am] EctE and she walks back in
[01:03am] EctE and i start feeling her tits
[01:03am] EctE and she turns on the light
[01:03am] EctE and its not even her, its my mom
[01:03am] ?Necro? …

<@Xerox> STOP CONTROLLING MY MIND!
<@DigiGnome> If I did that, you’d fall into a lifelss heap by your computer, and only be found days later when the neighbours get suspicious about the change of smell coming from your room.

<@goltrpoat> ‘britney spears’ is an anagram for ‘presbyterians.’

<@Atg[M]> Their latest album was going to be called ” You are gay” and the cover was going to be a mirror.

<@iggypop> i told my gf some shit when i was drunk, and now she’s like “you weren’t just saying that because you were drunk, were you?”
<@iggypop> and i don’t have a fucking clue what i said

<@FairLighT> you know something’s wrong when you have dreams about eating pudding and you wake up with a spoon in your ass

<@meiscoole:#pc> my ethernet card isn’t lighting up and displaying physical connection. Any one have any idea why?
<@munky:#pc> broke ethernet cable
<@meiscoole:#pc> what is an ethernet cable?

<@Zuwadza> “When all you’ve got is a penis, everything looks like an anus.” – Japanese proverb

<@Nor> i found my 1st grey pubic hair the other day
<@Nor> It was in a BigMac

* @Lan plays with his privates.
<@Rintaun> …
<@Lan> I got these new toy soldiers
<@Lan> They are really neat

<@NintendoGuru> Yoda of Borg am I! Assimilated shall you be! Futile resistance is, hmm?

<@spil0ink> is it pronounced live or live?
<@Shit_Pifter> live
<@spil0ink> thanks
<@Shit_Pifter> np

<@harb> Sith are like the script kiddies of Force users.
<@harb> They all have silly handles.
<@harb> “Darth Maul”, “Darth Sidious”, “Darth Tyranous”.
<@harb> “d00d ur most l33t l3tz g0 own sum j3di lol”
<@ mdxi> <@ObiWan> Do not turn ot the Dark Side, Anakin
<@ mdxi> <@an4k1n> STFU F4G
<@harb> <@tyr4nous> d00d j0in m3 w3 c4n pwn 2gether!!
<@harb> <@ObiWan> I’ll never join you, Dooku.
<@harb> <@tyr4nous> suk

<@depresso> Compaq FAQ: Where is the ANY Key? (FAQ2859)
<@depresso> This is not a key. When you are instructed to press any key, this means you can press any of the keys on the keyboard (such as the Enter key, the R key, or the space bar).

<@Phix> 70lbs of plutonium fell into san francisco bay off some ship or something
<@Phix> did it cause any freak deformities?
<@Phix> well, it is San Francisco

<@niceboy19> i’m german
<@Evilbert-> don’t worry i won’t mention the war
<@niceboy19> what do you mean with that
<@niceboy19> you just mentioned it
<@Evilbert-> you started it
<@niceboy19> i didn’t
<@Evilbert-> Yes you did! You invaded Poland!

<@doug-> moral dilemma: i just found a pak of 18 chicken legs in the deep freezer, however the label says ‘best if used by 06-12-01′…. do i cook it up for the kidz and avoid having to spend money on take out? i’m not all that hungry myself anyway =]
<@Prozzy> I say go for it. If they die, at least you know.
<@doug-> hmm, never actually thought about *death*, just figured on projectile diarrhea, etc… now insurance policies come into play… this could be a win-win-win-lose-win situation i have here

<@ViolenceJack> i just became the escape goat and asked for it…
<@Ecliptik> What’s an escape goat? Do you ride it?

<@Uhh_Duh> And to all you virgins, THANKS FOR NOTHING!

<@Hiroe> he was dressed as a big fuckin devil
<@Hiroe> like, HUGE costume
<@Hiroe> 8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head
<@Hiroe> at some anime con in california
<@Hiroe> they were double booked with a southern Baptist group in the same hotel
<@Hiroe> he’s riding the elevator down to the con space
<@Hiroe> doors open, little old baptist woman standing there
<@Hiroe> he just says “Going Down” in his best evil voice